This is no secret that I don’t expect much from people except my close ones. However you behave, that’s fine with me, I just make sure that I give my best to not mind anything and expect anything.
Even our family has been in a way that we never had any restrictions, we got all we wanted but love. It wasn’t that love wasn’t there between us but there were parts of it that were never shown to the world.
For example, my parents had frequent mute between them because of money problems, little fight sometimes. I never got a single hug from my parents in my entire life.
Compromises in my life started since childhood, right from sharing my toys with my brother, using my pencil carefully, using my father’s cycle than buying new, skipping admission to diploma due to money problems, using same school bag for years .. list is infinite.
I don’t necessarily mean I’m a tough guy, I know my problems were nothing. I had lot more than I expected, I know !!! My point was, since childhood, it’s not that people did not like me, rather I was the most liked one but I always lacked this real love from people and my parents.
They loved a lot but I did not get to experience it. Again, for example, I’m sure they love me but they never hugged once, neither anybody ever said me that they’re with me, neither had I anyone to convenience at my difficult times etc.. you got it.
So the point is, this very expectation of mine, that someone should express me that I’m not alone, I’m being loved, I’m being taken care of … this expectation lead me and my life to who I am today.
I don’t like to hurt people, I don’t intentionally play with people’s emotions, rather those who know me, they know how emotional I am. Simple thing as hugging, make me emotional, I usually try to be happy, I think from the other side first, I always offer help ..etc. ( None of this is meant to be an admiration)
Along the way, I always tried to find this love and care within myself. In fact that is the very reason, I don’t love anybody more than I love myself. I praise myself a lot..and I talk to myself like anything.
I talk with objects, I have habit of talking with God, talking with things without soul.
I remember, when I was a child, I think when I was in 3rd or 4th standard, everytime my mom beat me for some reason, I used to knowingly cry louder so that she would at least come and hug me 😊 but that never happened. Not that my mom was cruel , she is awesome i know, but for some reason, none ever expressed these things.
I remember how I used to sit out at night, after everyone slept ..I would talk to moon. I would call him ‘moon uncle’. My moon uncle never talked to me but I always sat out & told him how my day was.. because there was no one to ask…😊 so I answered those to moon uncle.
You won’t believe, since childhood, there are specific things I like to talk with and those things now have grown to a family.
“Moon” is my moon uncle, remember those group of stars that shape to number “7” !!! that group of stars are my parents, my doggy, my cycle are my buddies, my laptop is my brother, God is my friend, keys of my door were my sisters and what not ..
I have been imagining everything and talking with these things without souls, looking for a way to talk with, looking for a way to be happy.
None of this is intentional, its just what I always felt comfortable doing than expecting these things from people.
I remember how I would “Cyaa” my cycle while entering the class, I would say hello to my compass box … that’s who I have been.
Again, I don’t just mean anything here.. just wanted to express myself 😊.
I’m not sad for not being an important person, or for being misunderstood. Rather I have learnt to be with myself. It has taught me to be positive, it has made me independent, it has always kept me thinking…
I remember when I was new at hostel and even at our rented flat, I don’t show “Real me” to every person I meet so especially at hostel or at room, I absolutely enjoyed talking to moon uncle at and God at night.
I would spare my hour for them, I would apologize them for getting late, I would ask them for decisions in my life, I would cry to them whenever I wanted to .. I enjoyed doing everything.
and I’m sure, I’ll keep enjoying it….